FADE IN:

EXT. THE STREETS OF NORTHERN ITALY

DANIEL CRAIG speeds along the road with JESPER CHRISTENSEN in the trunk while being chased by SOMEONE OR ANOTHER. The cameraman has an EPILEPTIC SEIZURE, but is told to continue filming.

DANIEL CRAIG

As soon as I evade these random, nameless pursuers, I can have Judi Dench interrogate you!

JESPER CHRISTENSEN

Great, I have some questions for her, too. For example, why is she the only person willing to be in every single one of these dumbass movies?

DANIEL evades the WHOEVERS and the opening credits sequence starts.

ALICIA KEYS AND JACK WHITE

A plot wide open,

An overuse of grime,

A villain with water,

A franchise past its prime!

A film soon on cable,

Made just to make a dime!

A movie that you think that you can trust,

is just,

another waste of tiiiime!

INT. MI6 SAFEHOUSE

DANIEL CRAIG, JUDI DENCH, JUDI DENCH'S BODYGUARD, and a RANDOM MI6 AGENT interrogate JESPER.

JUDI DENCH

Who are you working for? And please don't give some vague bullshit answer about working for an all powerful secret agency with spies everywhere, I'd really rather not waste the audience goodwill we earned with Casino Royale.

JESPER CHRISTENSEN

Fine. I work for a powerful secret agency with spies everywhere. For example, your bodyguard!

JUDI'S BODYGUARD

That's right! I've been a double agent for the past 8 years! And now I'm going to use the element of surprise not to kill Judi, or even Daniel Craig, but this completely superfluous other guy in the room!

He DOES, then runs away to be chased by DANIEL CRAIG across rooftops. DANIEL catches up to him and they try using RUBE GOLDBERG devices against each other before DANIEL gets bored and shoots JUDI'S BODYGUARD.

JUDI DENCH

Daniel, my team has used a bunch of props stolen from the set of Minority Report to figure out that my bodyguard had some marked bills in his wallet and that similar marked bills were used in Haiti, so maybe those two are somehow related in some way.

DANIEL CRAIG

Well if that isn't a rock-solid lead, I don't know what is.

DANIEL flies to HAITI. Suddenly, a thick cloud of FOG enters the theater, obscuring the screen for a while. When it clears, DANIEL has allied OLGA KURYLENKO and the bad guy is MATHIEU AMALRIC.

OLGA KURYLENKO

The guy you care about for some reason is hanging out at the pier. I wish I could stay and help you, but I need to go tanning to maintain the ridiculous notion that I am Bolivian.

DANIEL CRAIG

I can relate, I have to spend hours in the steam room all over my face to maintain the ridiculous notion that I am not a rumpled bed sheet.

DANIEL confronts MATHIEU AMALRIC.

DANIEL CRAIG

You're the villain? You're a fucking nerd! I used to give wedgies to guys like you after getting to second base with the prom queen under the gym bleachers.

MATHIEU AMALRIC

Hey, at least I don't cry blood.

DANIEL follows MATHIEU to AUSTRIA where he steals an earpiece and discovers that MATHIEU'S SECRET ORGANIZATION conducts their meetings via bluetooth while attending the OPERA.

DANIEL CRAIG

Damn, I didn't think a Bond movie could have a more boring setpiece than "really long poker game" but here we are.

DANIEL goes after MATHIEU but is stopped by some HENCHMEN, who DANIEL kills.

DANIEL CRAIG

(on phone with Judi Dench)

Judi, I used my phone to take some pictures of people that Mathieu was meeting. I'm sending them to you now.

JUDI DENCH

Cell phone pictures? How am I supposed to identify people based on low-resolution images of people taken far away?

DANIEL CRAIG

You must be confused about technology. When you take a low resolution image of a face, all that happens is that the area around the head is fuzzy, but the face itself comes through crystal clear.

JUDI DENCH

Oh right. One last thing: one of the men you killed was a government agent. Despite knowing you're the only person I can trust, I'm going to have to bring you in for questioning. I'm sending a sexy redhead with a weakness for blue-eyed blonde men to apprehend you.

GEMMA ARTERTON finds DANIEL and tries to arrest him.

GEMMA ARTERTON

Hello Daniel. I'm going to be keeping an eye on you until I can bring you back to headquarters. My name is Strawberry Fields, which is bound to be innuendo, but I'm not quite sure how.

DANIEL CRAIG

Great, I'll take a quick break from my quest to avenge the death of my girlfriend to have sex with you.

DANIEL CRAIG attends a party hosted by MATHIEU AMALRIC.

MATHIEU AMALRIC

Alright, I've had enough of this.

DANIEL CRAIG

What, me following you everywhere you go and thwarting your attempts to acquire Bolivian oil?

MATHIEU AMALRIC

No, the whole movie. "Quantum of Solace"? Is this a Bond movie or a fucking poetry reading? This shit is so pretentious and angst-ridden it makes Crash look like Moonraker.

DANIEL CRAIG

We're just going for a more gritty, realistic Bond, that's all.

MATHIEU AMALRIC

Realistic? You jumped a fucking boat with another fucking boat a little while ago.

MATHIEU escapes from DANIEL to go to a HOTEL IN THE DESERT, because the franchise is RUNNING OUT OF SET PIECES.

INT. DESERT HOTEL

MATHIEU is meeting with GENERAL JOAQUIN COSIO.

JOAQUIN COSIO

Thank you for meeting me in my desert hotel powered by vast arrays of extremely explosive hydrogen cells. Now, why did you want to speak with me?

MATHIEU AMALRIC

I want you to sign this agreement that makes me your country's sole water provider for an outrageous rate.

JOAQUIN COSIO

Water?! You mean the precious liquid you've been hoarding isn't oil at all, but in fact water?

MATHIEU AMALRIC

That's right! While the stupid Americans were obsessed with acquiring oil, I was securing Bolivia's water reserves!

JOAQUIN COSIO

What a pathetic attempt to stay politically relevant!

DANIEL CRAIG

(dropping in)

Didn't Bond villains used to have gigantic death rays? You really expect me to feel threatened by drought?

MATHIEU AMALRIC

No Mr. Craig, I expect you to die! On the inside. Of heartbreak. You emo bitch.

There is a SHOOTOUT and all of the AWKWARDLY MENTIONED FUEL CELLS begin BLOWING THE FUCK UP. Eventually DANIEL finds himself in a room that doesn't completely collapse, so he ESCAPES and drives MATHIEU out into the middle of the desert and leaves him with a can of motor oil.

DANIEL CRAIG

I'm going to leave you here to die. When you become as depressed as me, you can drink that can of motor oil to kill yourself. Goodbye.

MATHIEU AMALRIC

Seriously? Who the hell does shit like this?

DANIEL CRAIG

The name's Bourne. Jason Bourne. Er, wait...

DANIEL drives away but his car engine fails because he's out of motor oil.

END