- I had to learn two psalms the next day. Uncle Caleb came to see me before he left for work. "You will pay particular attention to verses three and four of this psalm." He jabbed a finger at them, "And to verse eleven of this one." He didn't look at me once.
- I stayed in that room and hated it and Uncle Caleb and the whole world. My hair stuck out around my head, and I knew I looked a fright. Verses three and four went like this:
- Who shall ascend into the hill of the Lord? or who shall stand in his holy place? He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully.
- I imagined having a conversation with Uncle Caleb along the lines of: Uncle, I find it difficult to relate to the psalms--they are all about men. He, his, him all the way, Uncle.
- But I figured I was in enough trouble right now. My eyes flicked to verse eleven:
- For thy name's sake, O Lord, pardon my iniquity; for it is great.
- I had never eve heard of words like iniquity and transgression before I came here.
- I learned the psalms, but at first I didn't have the heart to yell and shout. I gritted my teeth. They wouldn't grind me down. They wouldn't destroy me. I took a deep breath and shouted, "'Let me not be ashamed. Let not mine enemies triumph over me.'"
- The twins and Maggie helped me cook dinner. Uncle Caleb came home earlier than usual and went straight in to Aunt Naomi. He stayed there for ages, and we could hear him praying. "I think she should see a doctor," I said to Daniel.
- "She is my mother, and I cannot do anything," he said softly, as if to himself.
- "Do you know what you're going to do?" I asked, after glancing around to make sure nobody was listening.
- He nodded. "Yes, but I will not do it while my mother is unwell."
- "Be careful," I said. "You can always find a reason for not doing something as difficult as that."
- "I love them," he said fiercely. "I love them so much. I do not want to leave." Our shoes squeaked on the floor, and I heard the swishing of my dumb skirt. "But I cannot stay."
- "Will they be all right?" I asked, more to myself than to him.
- But he answered, savagely. "No, they will not be all right. Magdalene will grieve, Abraham and Luke will be treated more harshly in case they turn out like me, and the twins will have to do all their work and yours as well. My father will never be an Elder again."
- "It still isn't easy. I still cry a lot, but mostly I've stopped wondering if I was right to run away."
- The ferry moved out into the harbor as the camera zoomed in to show a close-up of the couple standing at the rail. It was Damaris and Gideon, together, but not touching. Her beautiful face filled the screen for several seconds. As I looked at her, all I felt was pity that her life would be so narrow, that she wasn't going to be able to think for herself, that she lived by a rule which said Thou shalt not rather than You can--give it a go, try it, and see what happens.
sep 2 2011 ∞
mar 30 2012 +